Gamegaddon: Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines

Breakfastman's Gamegaddon: Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines

Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines is an action-RPG published by Activision and released in 2004. The game was developed by Troika Games, one of 2 studios (the other being Obsidian) that was formed by former Black Isle employees (more specifically, the people responsible for the first 2 Fallout games) during and after the company's tragic downfall. Troika only developed 3 games before it closed in 2005 due to lack of funding, the other two being Arcanum: Of Steamworks and Magick Obscura, which remains both there best selling and highest rated game to date, and Temple of Elemental Evil, a game based on the famous D&D campaign, both of which are considered cult classics by the PC gaming crowd. Vampire is the last game the studio developed, and like Temple, it was based on a pen and paper RPG from White Wolf Inc. It also has a bit of a troubled history surrounding it's development. The entire writing team was replaced halfway through development, a second team was brought in to just get it content complete... From what I understand, it was a complete mess. It didn't help matters that the game had to compete with Half Life 2 when it was released, which is the most likely cause of the games abysmal sale numbers (72,000 in the first few weeks of release). So, was Vampire the companies swan song or death rattle? Let's find out. This is Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines.

These guys should have known that messing with a vampire will just get you... burned! *Puts on sunglasses* YEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Vampire starts out with your character waking up after having sex with a mysterious stranger (well, I assume it was a stranger. Your relationship with them is never quite explained), only to find out OMG I AM A VAMPIRE!!1! You and the other vampire then get staked through the heart by people who suddenly burst into the room, almost immediately after you wake up. The scene then changes to a theater with a scattering of people in the audience. You and the vampire who turned you are brought out. The apparent leader of the vampires, a man named LaCroix, has the other vampire executed for turning you without first coming to him (because that is how they do it among vampires, apparently). He looks like he is going to kill you before a man named Isaac cries out in protest. LaCroix then appears to change his mind, and lets you live, but with the understanding that you will do a little job for him in return. He then sends you out to Santa Monica to meet a man named Mercurio, who you are supposed to do a job for. When you meet up with Mercurio, you are informed that you are supposed blow up a factory full of Sabbat (basically, the vampire equivalent of Al-Qaeda). After jumping through some hoops than involve getting the explosives back, going to a haunted house (which is definitely one of the better levels in the game), and stopping a feud between two powerful vampires, you finally blow the heck out of warehouse and get to visit LaCroix. There he informs you that everyone aboard a ship transporting a potentially very dangerous vampire artifact called the Ankaran Sarcophagus has been killed, and you have to investigate. I would rather not give away more of the plot than that, considering the many twists and turns it takes. Let me just say that the sarcophagus could end the world and you (yes, you) have to stop that from happening, whilst engaging in a bit of political intrigue and fighting a variety of vampires.

Unfortunately, hooking is not a very profitable job for a vampire. People tend to look down on those who want to drink their blood, especially during sex.

Let me just get the elephant out of the room now: yes, Vampire is an obscenely buggy game. Technically, nearly everything is a horrible mess. Even with the fully updated version from Steam, I still had to download a patch that rewrote or changed a 6th of the games data in order to get it to even play on my computer (note to people running the game with a 64-bit OS or over 4 gigs of ram: You will need to do this in order to play the game. You can't run it otherwise) and even then, the game is still probably the buggiest gane I have ever played (and I have played vanilla KOTOR 2, vanilla Oblivion, vanilla Fallout 3, vanilla Morrowind and S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Seriously, those games have nothing on this). The camera goes insane when your character uses stairs in 3rd person, the camera phases through the environment all the dang time, the environmental collision feels unfinished and poorly done, the dialogues skips sometimes for some unknown reason, there places where you can literally see through the unfinished environment, there are multiple spelling errors throughout the game (ex: an abandoned hotel is called Hallowbrook in your questlog. It is called Hollowbrook on the sign outside), quests not unlocking even if the requirements are met, the AI is terrible and routinely gets stuck on the environment and in doors... I could just go and on. It isn't even like these are hard to find bugs. These are things that should have been caught in QA almost immediately, if the company actually did any (which I highly doubt they did). I found a major one where I could see through the environment within the first hour of just playing the game (hint: behind on the side of the diner that faces the pawnbroker, there are some dumpsters. Jump on these dumpsters. Now jump again and look at the roof of the diner). That type of stuff should never, ever happen. It takes you out of the game and breaks immersion, in addition to just being dang annoying. It really harms the game, and probably remains one of the games biggest weaknesses.

                                                  OH GOD, I CAN SEE INTO FOREVER!!!

Unfortunately, the games problems do not end with the massive amounts of bugs and technical flubs. The game's combat is clunky and oftentimes annoying. Ranged weapons are nearly useless in the beginning, with all except the shotgun doing pitiful amounts of damage, all are useless at long range or when moving since the targeting reticule expands to massive sizes when you move. Things get better later in the game when you get some of the more powerful and accurate guns, like the magnum, but nearly all of the fully automatic weapons remain nearly useless at long range due to the absurd kickback each has. Things are better on the melee side of things. These weapons are generally more powerful and easier to use, especially in the beginning, they still have there share of problems. There is no way to lock on to the enemies while fighting, there is no dodge-roll/evade function (at least from what I played) beyond jumping, melee combat never gets more interesting than "mass LMB until all enemies are dead"... It just doesn't work like it should. It doesn't help that there are multiple very poorly designed levels that stretch out sections of combat way too long, have little available ammo, and the delightful addition enemies that appear to constantly respawn from nowhere. It also doesn't help that some powers are incredibly unbalanced. I could go through almost the entire endgame only using 2 powers (a stun power and an instant kill power) without breaking a sweat until the boss battle. This doesn't mean that combat can't be fun and when everything clicks it does work, effortlessly switching between melee, ranged, and powers to wipe out dozens of enemies at once. It is just that it doesn't click that often, and feels like an annoyance often than not.

                             The police's new vagrancy policy was seen by many to be a bit too harsh.

That doesn't mean that the game is all bad. The game's story is very complicated, well told. There are many twists and turns, and has some pretty creative and fun missions (how does tracking down a mysterious snuff film sound? How about sneaking into mansion disguised as one of the party goers? Fighting your way through a mansion of lunatics, before barely escaping it burning to the ground?). It also has some really great characterization. There are many great characters you can meet throughout the game, from a stripper vampire who refuses to talk about her past, to a mysterious vampire/werewolf historian. All have great voice actors who make the characters sound believable, and all are great fun to talk too. While you don't really get to know anyone very intimately (this ain't Persona 4 here) all behave realistically and are surprisingly deep. They actually feel like real people and have little things that flesh out their character. It might be a hint to something in the character's past here, a reference to a character there, or an unexpected and surprising flash of emotion while talking about a particular subject, but all seem interesting and contribute not only to the story, but to your sense of immersion. Great characterization is key to great immersion, and this game nails it on both accounts.

In an effort to cash in on the vampire craze, Rockstar's next GTA game was given the sub-title "Vampire city" and involved vampire street gangs and illegal blood underground trading. It was the best thing that happened to the series since 3.

The game is also very unique in almost every regard. It uses a unique level system that treats experience more as currency than a means to achieve a preset level. It works, and works really well. You don't get to select a class when creating a character, just a race. Each of these races (called "clans") play pretty differently, and while some just seem to be stand ins for your typical RPG classes( like the Tremere or the Brujah) some are very unique and drastically change you view events or play the game (like the Malkavians or the Nosferatu). Another item worth mentioning is that the game takes more than a few pages from Deus Ex's book, in a good way. You can approach nearly every situation differently. You can sneak your way past enemies, trick them with your powers, fight them, or persuade your way out. It really helps add to the replayability and immersion factor of the game. Of course, this system is not without it's faults (just so long as you concentrate on skills that will improve your hacking and lockpicking, you can sneak past any situation with only minimal sneaking skill), but it works, and it works well.

            Unfortunately, the sequel to Cowboys & Aliens, Cowboys & Vampires, didn't do so hot at the box office.

Of final note is the games interesting morality system. You are basically required to forget your old notions of morality when stepping into the game, because they do not really apply. Good and evil are outdated concepts, replaced by the concept of "humanity" and "the Masquerade". You see, vampires don't want to be found out by humans. If they were, it would spell bad news for everyone. So, the Masquerade was created as a way of vampire policing their own, before things get out of hand. Actions that violate the Masquerade are prohibited (a.k.a. anything that reveals vampires to the world). If you violate the Masquerade 5 times the game is over. Humanity is a personal measure of how close you are to acting like either a human or a beast. If you have little humanity, you can loose control of your character and the will go into a frenzy, possibly violating the Masquerade. You will often be asked to perform actions that make you less human (like killing a human who has witnessed a vampire attack), but help the Masquerade. If you go with your human side, you violate the Masquerade and risk vampire getting killed. You often have to decide which you value more: human life or vampire life (?). It results in a number of interesting conundrums, and is one of the few truly ambiguous morality systems in any game I have yet played.

                                                                                  Seems legit.

The rest of the game holds up well. The environments look good for the time when they aren't bugging out and are aesthetically pleasing, the music is pretty good all 'round, the character models look decent and have good lip-synching, the animations are fine, and it all controls pretty well (even though it does feel like an X-Box port at times). The sidequests are all exceptionally well designed, with unique missions and great moments in nearly each and every one. Some of the best moments in the entire game come from the sidequests. These sidequests rank right up there with the companion missions in ME2 or the fortress quests in Baldur's gate 2 as some of my favorite sidequests of all time.

                                                 The only time someone should ever say that they "sucked a bum".

TL;DR: 

Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines is a very flawed, but very memorable game. It has one of the best stories in a PC RPG, loads of memorable characters, has a great morality and leveling system, and fantastic sidequests. It also has clunky combat, some truly terrible leveling design, and is filled to the rim with bugs after bugs after bugs. If you like unique games with deep stories that defy the norm, and don't mind some clunky combat or piles of bugs, pick this one up right away. Everyone else, I would recomend that you try this game at least once. It really is unlike anything else you have ever played. If you have to go out, at least go out with a bang, which is what Troika did here.

-Breakfastman out.

Breakfastman review time special: Crisis on Infinite Earths.

This probably a one time thing. I probably won't start a comic review series in the future (I already have 2 review series running, I think I can live without 3). But, I was bored today, so I decided to write a review of Crisis on Infinite Earths, which I just finished. So, bear with me.

Breakfastman review time special: Crisis on Infinite Earths.

Crisis on Infinite Earths is a crossover mini-series/special event mini-series published by DC in the mid 80's. It was written by Marv Wolfman and illustrated by George Perez, and was twelve issues long (though there were numerous series that had tie-ins to the main plot). It was also one of the most influential mini-series in the entire history of the medium. I would say that it was just as important to the industry as Watchmen or The Dark Knight Returns, maybe even more so. Without Crisis on Infinite Earths, there would be no Civil War, or House of M, or Zero Hour, or any number of other world shattering cross-series events. The DCU in its current state (well, at least until the reboot later this year) would be much more complex. The series itself is positively massive, with entire universes being destroyed, legions of heroes and villains duking it out across multiple realities and across time itself. Well known heroes are killed, timelines collide, and lots of crap get blown up real good. Worlds lived, worlds died, and the universe was never the same again. This is Crisis on Infinite Earths.

                                    This guy wants to kill everything because... um... evil? Yeah, that sounds right.


The series starts out with a bang: the total and ultimate destruction of both Earth 3 and the entire rest of that universe, consumed by either nothingness or antimatter (it is never made clear which). Here we meet two of the most important characters in the series: Pariah, a man who cannot die and is forever doomed to travel from world to world, watching the destruction of each, and Alexander Luthor, Jr. the son of that universes version of Lex Luthor (who is a good guy here). Pariah doesn't do much more than whine, and Alexander Luthor, Sr. puts his son in a spaceship and sends him to safety in another universe a la Superman. Immediately later we are introduced to the Monitor, a near immortal being who is trying to stop the destruction of the multiverse, and Lyla/Harbinger, who basically functions as Robin to the Monitor's Batman, short pants and everything (except she is way cooler than any Robin ever was). Lyla/Harbinger travels across both Earths 1 and 2 to collect heroes and villains to stop approaching menace. Among those heroes collected are the Blue Beetle, Earth 1's Superman, Earth 2's Superman, the current Green Lantern, Cyborg, Firstorm, Psycho Pirate (who has the stupidest name of any character in a comic book, ever), and a random assortment of no-names that nobody remembers or cares about.

                                                   Super Smash Bros. wishes it could be this epic.

Once everyone has been they are all gathered into one large room, where they fight an assortment of shadow monster-things, who scatter in fear once the Monitor finally decides to turn up. He tells everyone their universes are about to die, and he is the only one who can do anything to stop it. He breaks up everyone into 5 groups, each tasked with activating a defending a special device that, once activated, should turn back the antimatter waves that are killing all the alternate realities. Long story short, it works, and Earth's 1 and 2 are saved. It is then a race against time, with the surviving heroes and villains of both worlds trying to rescue the last 3 remaining alternate realities from destruction and find the cause of the threat. They eventually discover that the ultimate cause of the destruction is the Anti-Monitor, the anti-matter version of the Monitor, who wants to destroy the entire multiverse in order to increases his own power. Massive battles are fought to stop this fiend, with at least 3 major heroes dieing in the process, in addition to a plethora of other minor heroes and villains. Longer story short (I really am cutting a ton of story out here), they do and everyone lives happily ever after (well, most everyone).

              Yeah, the art can get rather cluttered sometimes, with everyone and their mother vying to be seen at once.

My main problem with the book is that it seems to go on for far too long. The entire thing could have done and done well in 6 issues, not 12. It just tends to stretch things out for longer than they should have. They fight and defeat the Anti-Monitor, not once, not twice, but three times before they actually put him down for good. They even have time for a cross-dimensional super-hero/villian war in between bouts! The war doesn't really even lead anywhere interesting, it just feels like a contrived reason to get everyone in the same general area so they can make up (again) and rally to fight in the 2nd to last battle. It all just feels really unnecessary and forced, like the Wolfman was told to make a 12 issues epic series that reshaped the entire DCU, but couldn't figure out how to keep it going after the Anti-Monitor was defeated the first time, so he just decided to do the same thing over again, and throw in some random cool crap to keep us entertained. You would think that the Anti-Monitor would wise up after the 2nd time he gets his ass handed to him on a platter made of fists and energy beams.

That leads me into another criticism of mine about the writing: specifically, it really isn't that good by modern standards. There is far too much exposition by the narrator, who explains things that we either already know about or can clearly see from the images presented to us. Most of the characters have no real personality beyond a couple superfluous character traits and have that curious trait that older comics often have of talking way much about things that they either are thinking of or about things we can clearly see. It really isn't up to snuff compared with all the improvement that comics have gotten in the writing department after all these years.

                                            The DCU learned the danger of nuclear power the hard way....

Despite that, the comic is still great fun. It is awesome to see dozens upon dozens of costumed heroes and villains flying around, beating the crap out of each other and the Anti-Monitors minions. Everyone, and I mean everyone is there, and the fights range across both the surviving planes of the multiverse and time itself, with one key fight taking place at the beginning of time itself. There are a number of truly fantastic moments as well. The death of one key red-garbed character is haunting and effective, with reverberations throughout the entire book, and stands as one of the most memorable things I have read in a comic yet (seriously, it is worth it just for this one part). The super-hero/villain war was just pure awesome as well, despite being useless to the overall plot, with dozens of villains and heroes fighting across multiple universes, wrecking everything in sight. It really is fun to just watch it all play out. The art is holds up as well. Perez manages to keep even the most cluttered scenes organized (which many are, cluttered that is), and you can always tell exactly what is going on even when things get frantic.

The Spectre challenging the god-like Anti-Monitor to a fight. It is official: The Spectre is the coolest thing to come from DC since Batman.

TL;DR:  

While Crisis on Infinite might not be the smartest or tightly scripted comic to come out of the 80's, it is one of the most fun. Lovers of spectacle like myself should be able to just turn off their brains for a minute and enjoy all the universe-destroying, world conquering fun.

-Breakfastman out.

Movie Time: Dirty Harry.

Movie Time with Breakfastman: Dirty Harry.

So, how about that Clint Eastwood, eh? The man has starred in dozens of classic and highly influential movies. From classic westerns like A Fistfull of Dollars, classic suspense movies like Play Misty For Me,  or even modern day classics like Gran Torino, the man has had a massive effect on pop culture. While I have not seen many of his movies (the only ones I can remember watching are Play Misty for Me and The Beguiled), I still respect the man and the impact he has had both on the public consciousness and the film industry. So, while perusing the shelf's of DVD's at the local library, looking for something to review, I stumbled upon this movie. Remembering that the film is considered a classic, and remembering how good another police thriller from the same era was, I decided to pick this one up. "What the heck", I thought. "The film is considered one of the best films of all time by many people, so it can't be that bad. I needed something to review anyway". So, does the movie aged gracefully after nearly 40 years, like Eastwood himself, or is it more of a William Shatner affair? Well, as always, you can skip to the TL;DR at the bottom and spoil it for yourself, but where is the fun in that? This is Dirty Harry.

                 "He's one bad mother f-" "Shut your mouth!" "I was only talking about Harry, can you dig it?"

The movie starts out, conveniently enough, with a murder. A sniper with a hunting rifle has killed a young women in her rooftop swimming pool. Our hero, Harry Callahan, is on the case. On a nearby rooftop he discovers the shell from the snipers gun and a ransom note (of sorts). In this note the killer calls himself "Scorpio" (no relation to the 70's spy film of the same name), and demands that the city pay him $100,000, or he will kill either a catholic priest or a black person. Harry decides to take a break to eat at his favorite hot dog joint, which also just happens to be across the street from a bank. Said bank that was just across the street is also being robbed. Harry won't have that, so he just strolls out there and blows away all of the bank robbers, still eating his hot dog, in one of the most awesome scenes from any movies, ever. It is here that he utters his famous line, pointing the gun at the robber. The robber says he "just has to know" (for some strange reason that I will never figure out) and Harry shows him the answer. 

                                           Yo' dawg, I heard you like Clint Eastwood movies...

After getting patched up at the hospital, Harry is assigned a new partner (to replace his old one who is in the hospital getting treated for a bullet to the gut), named Chico, which he is none too happy about. Later that day, Scorpio is camped out on a rooftop, posed to blow away a black man, when a police helicopter spots him and he is chased away. That night, Harry and Chico spot a man who they think is our villain, but who is actually just a regular guy. While looking through his window, he is accosted by men, believing him to be a peeping tom. Chico scares them away, and they both head out to another place where it has been reported that a man was standing on a roof. It too is another false alarm. Turns out the man standing on the roof is trying to commit suicide. Harry gets him down safely in his own decidedly unorthodox way (I am fairly certain punching the person trying to commit suicide is not standard procedure, but hey, it seems to work here). The next morning it is discovered that Scorpio has shot and killed a young black boy, just like he promised. Believing that he will next attempt to kill a catholic priest, Harry and the rest of the police set up a trap for Scorpio. Long story short: It doesn't go well, and ends with Scorpio killing a patrolling police officer. The stakes are intensified the next day when it is found out Scorpio has kidnapped, raped, and buried alive a 14-year old girl, who he will let die if he does not get the money. Keep it classy Scorpy! I don't want to spoil the rest of the film, but let me just say that games are played, cannons are loosed, Harry gets chewed out by nearly everyone, people die, a famous line is uttered once again, and a good time is had by all.

                                                  Harry is tough on traffic violations.


As far as police action/thrillers go, this one is a very by the books, "loose cannon cop who doesn't play by the rules" affair. It really isn't anything that hasn't been seen in any other movie. There was only one surprising plot twist throughout the entire film. Everything is generally pretty predictable. While the film does do the whole "vigilante cop" thing well enough, there are movies who have done it better (Die Hard for one). I suppose one could argue that it was the first one if it's kind, so you can excuse some of the derivative nature of the film. I would have to agree, but I would also have to fire back that the movie should be able to stand on its own, regardless of whether or not it was the first in the genre/one that popularized the genre. The reason that films that popularized the psycho killer (qu'est-ce que c'est?) sub-genre of horror like Psycho or Halloween still hold up today is because of how well put together and memorable they were. While, yes, Dirty Harry is well made, outside of a few very good moments, it honestly wasn't very memorable. I had to use wikipedia quite often while writing this review just to remember how the plot went, which I have never had to do with other movies I have reviewed (not that I have reviewed that many, but still). It wasn't like I wasn't paying attention to the movie, I was. I remember the order of events in The Lost Boys better than I do in this movie, and I barely payed attention while watching that movie. It honestly just feels kind of generic, which is something I greatly dislike in a movie. I would honestly prefer a unique movie that makes no sense, a la Phantasm, to a movie that is well put together, but unmemorable, like this one.

                   Being called into a room to find 3 of your bosses already waiting there. Never a good sign.

The writing is good for what it is. There are no plot holes or continuity errors from what I could spot (though, I have to admit, I am usually very bad at spotting plot holes or continuity errors), and all the dialogue feels believable enough. The bad guy is sufficiently slimy and evil to warrant our contempt and desire for Harry to put a bullet through his heart. Harry himself is the very definition of "vigilante cop", going through all the motions (illegal search and seizure, beating up witnesses, disobeying orders, yelling a lot about "rights" and such, the whole nine yards. Pretty much going through the motions). The direction, cinematography, and music are all good. Clint Eastwood puts in a good performance in the leading role of Harry, and all the other actors play their parts well. There are a couple great actions scenes at the beginning and end of the movie too, for what that is worth. It is worth noting that the film seems to encourage vigilante justice, illegal search and seizure, and police brutality, but I honestly wouldn't read that much into it, since it honestly doesn't seem like that was the director or the writers intention. 

                 Coming soon to a console near you: Dirty Harry, the Game. Starring Nolan North as Dirty Harry.

 TL;DR:
Dirty Harry is a pretty by-the-numbers police action/thriller. It has some entertaining moments and is pretty well made, but it is also pretty unmemorable. There have been better movies in this sub-genre, but there have also been worse. If you have a hankering for a good "vigilante cop"-style movie, this a decent choice.

-Breakfastman out.

Gamegaddon: Catherine

Breakfastman's Gamegaddon: Catherine

 To start, some music to get you in the mood:

Catherine is a very strange erotic horror puzzle/adventure game developed by the team that gave us Persona 3 and Persona 4, and published by Atlus (in Japan and America, anyway). Now, to be completely honest, I freaking love this team. I consider Persona 4 to be one of the best games of all time. It is certainly the best game on the PS2, in the running for best JRPG I have ever played (currently it is tied for first with Chrono Trigger), and tied for 3rd (again, with Chrono Trigger) on my list of all time favorite games, ever. Persona 3 wasn't too shabby either (I would definetly rank it as among the best RPGs on the PS2) being as it had one of the single greatest endings I have encountered in a game. It also seemed from all the pre-release info to both have unique, daringly different gameplay (something I love in a game), and heavy themes of sexuality (which it really doesn't all that much. More on that later). Obviously, my expectations for the game were very high. Does it live up to my mile expectations? Short story: Jump down the big TL;DR for that. Long story: Keep reading and I will tell you, silly!

               A man in his underwear with sheep horns climbing a single, gigantic tower. Freud would have a field day.

The game starts out with our protagonist, Vincent, a thirty-something software engineer, being forced to climb a gigantic tower made out of blocks in his dreams. If he falls, his is told he will die by a sheep who is also climbing the tower. With no other option, Vincent climbs the tower and heads towards freedom. He wakes up with no real memory of what happened in his dream. Later that day, he meets his girlfriend of 5 years, Katherine, a thirty-something manager at a company that makes clothes. Apparently, all (or nearly all) or her friends are getting married and her parents are pressuring her to marry. She also seems to fear that she will be Christmas Cake soon, if she doesn't marry (at least from what I saw). Vincent, comfortable with the way things are, is a little nervous, what with all this talk of marriage and responsibility. He goes out drinking with his buddies at a local pub a transsexual friend of his from high-school works as a waitress (which he apparently seems to do every single night. How he manages to keep a job, or even any money in the bank, with habits like that is one of the game's greatest unsolved mysteries). Feeling stressed, both from his job and his relationship with Katherine, he stays after his friends have left and meets a lovely pair of breasts girl named Catherine, who seems strangely attracted to him, despite only meeting him that night. Vincent finds himself in the dream, where his is yet again forced to climb the tower. He meets more sheep that seem to be other people trapped in the dreams as well (though they appear as sheep to him, and he appears as a sheep to them, for some reason that is also never explained).

                                 Proof positive that having an awesome 'fro still makes you about a million times sexier.

The next morning, Vincent wakes up, relived that it was all just a dream. Something is off though. For one thing, the his bed appears to have someone else in it. That someone being Catherine. Naked. Who apparently had sex with. Multiple times in fact, even though he remembers none of it. Looks like his relationship with Katherine won't be improving anytime soon... Anyway, obviously distraught, he confesses his infidelity to his best friend, Orlando, while at lunch. Later, Katherine tells him that she is very late this month. Also, cheating men are apparently dieing horribly in their sleep after having odd dreams. Things proceed to go downhill for ol' Vincent from there. More people die, more parts of the tower is climbed, telling either of the C/Katherines about the other is put off, rumors are heard, red herrings jump around like mad, and Catherine is slept with more.

      This butt monster thing is not even the craziest boss in the game. Can you say"baby with a chainsaw"?

The story is very well written and well paced. It bears a large resemblance the classic Clint Eastwood thriller Play Misty for Me (at least the end), if Clint Eastwood had an epic fro, was a programmer, had Freud-tastic dreams every night, and all the female characters had C cups or larger. All the characters are well written and intriguing. They actually feel and act like real people and have real problems, even though most are damaged goods in one way or another. The main characters are all standouts. Vincent is a nice guy who doesn't want the status quo to change, who really does love Katherine, Orlando can act a bit like a jerk at times but is obviously hurting from a very messy break-up (which makes him avoid any real long time relationships with women), and Katherine is loving and caring to Vincent, despite her fears about losing him and never getting married. Surpsingly enough (at least to me), the story concentrates heavily not with sexuality, but with relationships. The topic is explored very deeply, both the hurt and pain they can cause them, as well as the joy and happiness they can bring a person as well. Vincent's relationships with both Katherine and Catherine, his desire to both make them happy and not hurt them, his indecisiveness regarding his relationships, and doubts about both marriage and fatherhood are the real driving force of the story and all are explored in a very mature way. The fact that such complicated themes are explored at such length and with this skill is probably the best thing about the entire game. We have never had a game (at least to my knowledge) that has really explored these themes, and with this skill. I would go so far as to call this game the first mainstream (well, as mainstream as an Atlas game is) romance video game (i.e. the romantic relationship is the real focus and driving force of the game's story). This might very well be one of the most unique stories in a game yet.

Shut up Toby. Nobody likes you. Not even your friends. They just pity you. Sit in the corner until you can figure out how to be less annoying. >:(

Gameplay wise, the game works well. There are two different modes of gameplay: wandering around the bar and interacting with the characters sprinkled about, and climbing the tower. The bar sections are rather straightforward. You can walk around and talk to characters in the usual JRPG way (i.e. listen to people talk, occasionally make a choice between two different options). You can play a miniature version of the climbing sections in an arcade cabinet called "Rapunzel", change the music on the jukebox, check your phone and answer texts using a very strange, yet well crafted system, or drink at the bar (which is actually quite useful, as the more drinks you drink, the faster you are in the dream, for another unknown reason). The climbing sections is probably where you will be spending most of your time. You see, the tower that Vincent is supposed to climb is made out of a rather large variety of blocks that can be pushed and pulled around in order to climb higher. These sections control pretty well (just avoid using the joystick. Stick to D-pad instead), and can be very mentally challenging. You will die and get stuck often (if you play on easy, you get an undo button, which can be very helpful though), but the mid-level checkpoints are well placed, there are save points and places to buy useful items between every level, you can get helpful hints fairly often, and the game is very generous with lives (I had maxed out my lives by the games midpoint), so it is unlikely you will ever get frustrated. The game itself can have a very wonky difficulty curve at times. One night I was getting my ass handed to me left and right by the puzzles, until the boss, which I breezed through without loosing a life. On the last night, it took me nearly 45 minutes and many lives to complete each of the early levels, but I beat both forms of the boss (2 levels) within about 10-15 minutes, and with only dieing once per form.

                               Having Vincent's Alcoholism intervention in a bar was probably not the smartest move...

The game's graphics look very good. While the game doesn't have the greatest lip synching, everything has a very unique look that fits well with the game, and the cutscenes (especially the anime ones) can look positively gorgeous at times. The character models all look great and fit the personalities of each character. The bosses look menacing and creepy, like Freudian nightmares should. The backgrounds and environments all look nice as well, even though they aren't anything to really right home about. The music is good, though not up to the standards set by Persona 4, the sound effects work, and the voice acting is top notch (which it very well should be, since they seem to have recycled around a third of the actors from P4 and P3. I clearly identified the voices of Akihiko and Adachi, and could have probably have come up with more if I wasn't so darn lazy). Overall, very solid on the technical side of things.

                                              Yo dawg, I heard you like games...

TL;DR:

Catherine has one of the most unique stories in the game, which is more than enough for me to recommend it to anyone, but is also a darn fine puzzler to boot. The game is destined to become a cult classic, so pick this one up now before the only new copies available cost $80 on Amazon, like nearly every other game Atlus puts out. Seriously guys and gals, you don't want to miss this gem.

Play me out ELO!

-Breakfastman out.

Movie Time: Videodrome

Movie Time with Breakfastman: Videodrome


Videodrome is a surreal sci-fi body horror film from the mind of director David Cronenberg, the man behind The Brood, the 80's remake of The Fly with Jeff Goldblum, Scanners, The Dead Zone, and the film adaption of Naked Lunch, among other famous movies. Truth be told, I have never been a big Cronenberg or body horror fan myself. I had only seen 3 of his movies before this (Scanners, The Dead Zone, and Naked Lunch), and while they were all pretty good and well made, with great special effects, they just didn't resonate me like many other of my favorite horror films have. I have always preferred psychological and lovecraftian horror above all others, so body just didn't really do it for me. Regardless, I do enjoy watching horror films, and when I found this on the Netflix instant play, I decided to watch it. The film is usually considered to be one of Cronenberg's best films after all. So, was it any good? Was it more scary than Scanners and does it make more sense than Naked Lunch? Hint: The answer to those questions is yes and no respectively. Let's dig into Videodrome.

                               Unfortunately, Nintendo ultimately rejected David Lynch's Virtual Boy redesign.

Videodrome starts out with, conveniently enough, with the image of a television. Suddenly a lady pops up on the screen, not to crawl out and kill you with pure scariness unfortunately, but to deliver a wake up call to our sloppy bum of a protagonist, Max Renn. Max Renn is the sleazy president of a Toronto television station called Civic TV. The channel offers every from, in the words of one character, "softcore porn to hardcore violence". Max and his fellow execs are always on the lookout for new and exciting material to spice up the channel and draw in viewers. One day, one of Max's techs (a man called Harlan) calls him over to look at a new discovery. Harlan has found what appears to be a pirate television station being broadcast from what he believes to be Malaysia. The show, conveniently called Videodrome (lol, title drop) broadcasts images of people being tortured in a red room by two masked men. They are only able to catch about a minute of the show, but Max is intrigued by what he sees. He has Harlan try to get more of the show while he has one of his contacts, an old Russian women named Masha try to dig up more on this show. Oh yeah, he also has a sadomasochistic girlfriend named Nicki whom he has sex with while the tape is playing in the background. Lovely. Anyway, Max finds out from both Harlan and Masha that A: the show is not being broadcast from Malaysia as originally though, but from Pitsburg, B: the torture on the show is not faked, but is in fact real, and C: the creators of Videodrome have some strange political agenda. Throughout all this, Max is also hallucinating of and on that he has a fleshy VCR growing in his chest that he somehow loses his handgun in. Again, lovely.

                               I wonder what it would be like if he tried to play a porn tape on that. Or something like Caligula...

Max eventually meets up with a lady named Bianca, who runs a mission that lets the homeless watch television for free, claiming that this will help heal them, somehow (if you haven't figured it out yet, about half of the characters are mentally unstable, and the other half eventually die or go insane themselves). Her father is a man called Brian O'blivion (haha, really clever Cronenberg), who believes that one day reality and television will merge together into one. At least that is what I think he believes. You see, the man does not appear or have a conversation with anyone. When he wants to contact the outside world, he sends out a cassette with an incredibly pretentious monologue of his on whatever subject he wants to talk about. His tapes also cause the whoever views them to hallucinate. Anyway, things get progressively worse and worse for Max as he finds out that he has what is either a brain tumor or an entirely new organ growing inside his skull (that allows his hallucinations to become reality or something) since he viewed the Videodrome transmission, because it can do that somehow. A company that makes inexpensive glasses also gets involved somehow as reality starts falling apart and the hallucinations start invading the real world. People die, people get entirely new organs, secrets are revealed, and crap starts hitting the fan left and right.

                                                                                            PERSONA!!!


From what I have summarized of the plot above, you might guess that Videodrome is... rather hard to follow. You would be right on that. While it isn't as "out there" as something like Eraserhead or as trippy as 2001: A Space Odyssey, the film is still surprisingly complex and hard to follow. Trying to figure out what is reality and what is a hallucination is a challenge in and of itself, and the number of conspiracy theories don't make it any easier. Make no mistake, this is a very complex film brimming with symbolism, strange and complex themes and ideas, and just all out weirdness. The film talks about how television effects culture (which in turn effects television), the role of television in daily life and the public consciousness, the nature of reality and madness, the relationship between man and technology, and the effect of television on how we perceive reality itself. What makes the film even more impressive, in my eyes, it manages to deals with all these themes extremely well and with a certain degree of subtlety (something that is always to be admired), while still managing to be very watchable and entertaining.

From Software rejected the idea that even the TV would try to kill you in Dark Souls, fearing it would be "too hardcore". Fans cried foul and demanded that the feature be put into the game. From eventually caved and put it in. Nearly 500 people died from bullet wounds the week of launch, and 1000's more were injured. The game was recalled. The investigations as to why the heck anybody thought this was a good idea is still ongoing.

The acting is also pretty darn good around the board. James Woods does a great job as Max Renn, and all of the other principle players put in uniformly great performances. The special effects are fantastic, especially for the time, and definitely add to the horror of the events being played out on the screen. The body horror itself is unsettling and gets the job done quite well, with a number of memorable and horrifying scenes. The writing is pretty good as well, and even makes the scumball of a main character sympathetic. The music, what little there is, and sound effects are all well done as well, though not exactly memorable. Basically, good to excellent around the board.

                               Breathing videotapes are generally never a sign of anything good happening to anybody.


TL;DR: Videodrome is an excellent horror film, and the best Cronenberg film I have seen yet. It is my favorite film about video and television that I have seen (sorry Ringu, you have usurped). It manages to deliver on nearly all points, providing a number of memorable scenes, some great writing, and some deep, unusual themes. Definitely one of the best horror films of the 80's. If you are a fan of horror films and have not yet seen this, I would definitely recommend checking this one out.

Long live the new flesh!

-Breakfastman out.

Gamegaddon: S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Shadow of Chernobyl

Breakfastman's Gamegaddon: S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Shadow of Chernobyl.

S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Shadow of Chernobyl is a semi-free roaming first person shooter/RPG hybrid from Ukrainian developer GSC Gameworld, mostly known for developing PC RTS's like the Cossacks series (which I have never played, but that is neither here nor there). The game's story and world are loosely based after a Russian film (also called Stalker), and on the Russian science fiction novel the film was loosely adapted from, Roadside Picnic.  The game itself was in development hell for over 4 years. It was originally supposed to be released in 2003. It was eventually released in early 2007. Despite that, the game managed to sell over 2 million copies around the world, and has become a cult classic with the PC gaming crowd (thanks in no small part to it's complexity and extreme difficulty). Is the game as good as many will lead you to believe? Is it really one of the best horror games of all time, like many claim? Let us dig in and find out. This is S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Shadow of Chernobyl.

 Um... You might want to move away from that burning barrel.... Nothing good every comes from burning barrels in shooters...
 
The game is your typical shooter affair. You can run, shoot, throw grenades, crouch, jump, lean around corners, the whole nine yards. Since this game is trying to be an open world game, you can approach most objectives however you want to, whether it be running in and shooting everywhere (protip: this is a terrible idea), sniping (and failing to hit much of anything) from a hill, trying to sneak past the enemies, or whatever else you can think of. The game does have some RPG elements to spice everything up though. The game has an inventory grid system sort of like the Diablo games, in addition to a weight limit like the Elder Scrolls or Fallout games (unlike those games, there is really no way to increase how much you can carry, weight wise. Well, I lie. There is one way, but it is only available at the end of the game, so yeah). You can go on side missions, join one of two factions, fight in an arena, buy various items, armor, and weapons from a couple vendors scattered throughout the game, and you can equip "accessories" (called artifacts here) to give yourself various buffs. You can also search the wilderness for "caches" (basically, hidden containers full of loot) that you find out about on dead bodies. All of this adds up to good, solid shooter experience with loads to do and experiment with. All of the weapons are fun, and there is a clear progression and sense of increasing power throughout the game, which I rather like. You start with nothing but a jacket and a 9mm, but by the end of the game, you are a walking tank, fully decked out with rare artifacts, powerful guns, and strong armor. That does make it disappointing that there was no freeplay after the campaign mode available in the retail release, but life is like that sometimes.

       Cool guys don't face the camera. They look behind their backs as a helicopter crashes in the distance.

The game has a large focus on realism in the minute to minute gameplay. Most of your guns are very inaccurate, it only takes a few bullets to kill you or the enemies, your guns and armor degrade with use, you weapons can jam, you have to deal with bleeding and radiation poisoning, you have to eat food every now and again, and you can only run for so long before you get tired and cannot walk anymore. This realism not only applies to what the player can do, but how the NPC's act. Friendly NPC's will insist you put your weapons away when you approach them, they will fight of bandits and monsters, and they will go to sleep at night. Heck, when some NPC's are gathered around a campfire, one of them occasionally whips out a guitar and starts playing some quite good music to pass the time. While some of these little touches adds nothing to the gameplay (like eating food, or the NPC's playing on guitars around the campfire), they really add to the atmosphere of the game.

           What happens when you neglect to take out the trash for weeks on end. Won't make that mistake again....

Speaking of atmosphere (/clever segway into next topic), this game has one of the most unique and immerse I have ever encountered in a game. The dilapidated buildings, horrifying monsters, ghostly visions, constantly overcast skies, gray-green color palette, and strange, mostly invisible traps (called anomalies) that dot the landscape all help to create this oppressive, dangerous atmosphere. You really get the feeling that everything is out to kill you. Most of the other NPC's (including the military), most of the animals, the earth and the air itself... All want to spill your blood. Heck, even the dead want a piece of the action (also: zombies that such guns = much more scary that regular zombies). Very few places are truly safe. I found myself running away from fights just as often as I got into them. It really is an incredible experience, wandering around the gameworld, trying to fend for your life against roaming packs of rabid dogs, while trying to avoid killing yourself in the anomalies.

Protip: Never let Cthulhu kiss you. It never, ever ends well. He tends to get all clingy and possessive after that, then cries when you try to break up with him... Just trust me on this, dating an Elder God never ends well..

I guess I have talked enough about gameplay, so it is time to start talking about the story. The basic premise goes as such: You are the Marked One, a Stalker who has lost his memory after he was left for dead in the center of "The Zone" a strange area surrounding the remains of the Chernobyl nuclear plant, which itself is surrounded by a mysterious energy field that supposedly melts the brains of whoever dares cross it. Your body was put on a "corpse truck", mysterious vehicles that come from the center of the Zone, carrying dead bodies for some unknown reason. Your body fell off the truck and was found by a local trader called Sidorovich. You were nursed back to health by him. The only clues you have to your past are a tattoo on your arm that says "S.T.A.L.K.E.R.", and a PDA which only contains one thing: an entry on a to-do list that says "Kill Strelok". The story follows the Marked One as he attempts to discover his identity and the identity of this "Strelok". You'll do various missions for various factions, enter into mysterious scientific labs, fight of the army, bandits, mercenaries, and other Stalkers. You will also learn of a mysterious object called "The Monolith", or "The Wish Machine" that supposedly resides in the middle of the Zone, behind a locked door in Chernobyl, and grants the wish of whoever can reach it, at the cost of extending the borders of the zone by 5 kilometers. The story itself is fairly good and has a few decent twists throughout. It is enough to keep you interested in what happens next. It is not without it's faults though. It relies on fetch quests far too often for my tastes, the characters don't really have much of a personality and generally all seem the same. Heck, I couldn't even tell you the names of any of the principal players in the game off the top of my head, besides the easy ones like "Strelok" and "Barkeep". Also, the main twist of the story (the truth about your identity) is incredibly obvious, and I had already guessed it correctly halfway through. It isn't all bad, and has some great moments, especially near the end. The game also has multiple endings, which is a nice bonus. All in all, decent enough, but not great. The atmosphere is more likely to bring you back than the story.

                                                       Willard:2099. Crispin Glover wishes he was this badass.


On the technical side of things, the game is pretty dated and glitchy. Weird shadow glitches appear way more often than the should, which is a shame, since the game really does have great lighting and shadow work. The textures of the game and models both look very dated, even by 2007 standards. I experienced one crash, and the game loads times can be rather long at times. The game also hitches up at odd times as well. Just running down a road can cause the occasionally dip in FPS for a second. The game also has a large number of glitches. Disappearing bodies, weapons, quest items, minimaps, player icons, the inability to drop weapons in your inventory if they have no ammo in them, the aforementioned strange shadow glitches, NPC's facing one way while bullets are firing in another... The list just goes on and on. Aesthetically, everything works, but if you are looking for a game that will wow you with it's graphics, look elsewhere. Luckily, there are some great mods out there that solve these problems, but if you plan to play the game vanilla, know that you will encounter many problems. Sound wise, the game is pretty good. The voice acting is fine, the sound effects all sound great and do what they are supposed to do, and the music is haunting and effecting. No problems there.

                                                                 Coolest. Backyard. Ever.

TL;DR: S.T.A.L.K.E.R. is probably one of the best shooters in years. While the story is only okay, the graphics are lackluster, and the game is rather glitchy, the game can be incredibly fun and offers a unique atmosphere not really found on anything else on the market. Despite it's faults, it works, and it works very well. If you have a good PC and like shooters or RPGs, I would highly recommend you pick this up. It is a fantastic, unique experience you won't soon forget.

And now, some appropriate music:

-Breakfastman out.

Movie Time: Prince of Darkness

Movie time with Breakfastman: Prince of Darkness.

I love John Carpenter, I really do. The guy has directed many great movies, multiple of which top my favorite movies of all time list. The Thing, Halloween, Big Trouble in Little China, In the Mouth of Madness, Assault on Precinct 13, Escape from New York... The list just goes on and on. He has had a massive influence in the realm of horror. He basically created the slasher film as we know it with Halloween. He is one of the few directors to successfully bring Lovecraftian horror to film with such classics as The Thing and the very underrated In the Mouth of Madness. Unfortunately, the man has also had more than his share of flops. While there were some bad ones early in his career (The Fog and Christine), thing got really bad for him in the 90's. Only one of the five movies (Vampires) released in that period ended up being a financial success, and every single film during that period ended being critically panned (while some, like Escape from L.A. and In the Mouth of Madness didn't deserve it). The movie I am looking at today, Prince of Darkness, was released in 1987, and was critically panned all 'round. Did it deserve the critical beating it got, like The Fog, it is it actually an underrated gem, like In the Mouth of madness? Let's dig in to find out.

                           Ladies and Gentlemen: Our villian. No wait, don't go! The review hasn't even started yet!
 
The film starts out with Dr.Loomis Donald Pleasence's character, a priest, visiting the bed of a priest who recently died. In the room, Pleasence finds a chest containing a key to the basement of an abandoned church. Pleasence, naturally curious about what is behind the door, decides to take a look. After going downstairs, he finds himself in a large, ancient looking room. In the middle of the room is a book on a stand and a large cylinder full of a strange, swirling green liquid. The book in front is no help, because it is apparently written in many different languages, sometimes switching languages in the same sentence. His curiosity piqued, he invites a number of people from a nearby college, including chemists, archaeologists, linguists, and physicists to investigate what exactly the green liquid is. Among them is Egg Shen Victor Wong, playing a physics professor, and Jameson Parker, sporting a sweet porn 'stache and playing a physics student. Also, Alice Cooper makes an appearance as a zombie hobo. After everything gets set up and they start to decode the book, they find out that the green goop in the cylinder is apparently the Devil or God or  or something equally odd along those lines (the film never really gives a good explanation as to what it is). Apparently it was sealed away in the cylinder 7 million years ago by it's father, which may or may not be God. Anti-matter and time traveling dreams are also involved somehow. Of course, things get messy, crap hits the fan, and people start dieing and getting possessed by the thing. The goop is trying to free it's father, which will bring about the end of the world, and our plucky heroes have to stop it.

          Um... Lady, I think something is wrong with your face. Did you take a bath in lye or something?

From the above description, you think the film might take a more Lovecraftian approach to horror. Very subtle, with a focus more on building atmosphere and a horror of the unknown. You would be wrong, for the most part. The movie shares more in common with your common zombie flick than anything else. The green goop takes control of an army of bums, which it uses for nefarious ends. It also sprays people with itself, taking over their bodies, and can posses the bodies of those who have already died. The film actually concentrates more on the zombies and their escapades than building any horror with the green goop. Honestly, that is probably the film's biggest flaw right there. The idea itself is rather silly, but it had promise to be scary. By concentrating on the zombies the film never takes advantage of the interesting possibilities at instilling fear in the viewer afforded by it's most interesting idea (the green goop being an ancient, evil entity). Also, to compound the problems further the film just isn't all that scary. There were only one or two actually frightening scenes (those scenes being a part in the film where a dead character comes back to reveal that he is crawling with beetles, before falling apart, and when another formerly dead character stares in a mirror, giggling to himself). This isn't necessarily a bad thing for a horror film (I was never really scared by either Dawn of the Dead, Session 9, or Phantasm, and I enjoyed all of them in spite of that), but it certainly isn't something to be proud of either. Honestly if you are going to create a horror film that isn't scary, you need something to distract the user from that, whether that is an interesting and unusual message (Dawn of the Dead's anti-consumerism angle), a fascinating mystery (Session 9's killer), or just ball's out crazy weirdness (pretty much all of Phantasm). If you don't the film really suffers for it.

                                              I wonder if he has a shotgun under that trench coat?
     
The acting in the film is fairly decent all round. Donald Pleasence and Victor Wong provide the best performances, but the other actor aren't that bad either. The cinematography and direction are both great, and the score is typical Carpenter (KEYBOARD ALL THE MUSIC!) which isn't a bad thing. The writing is fairly good and all the the characters pretty much act believably, which is always a plus in my book. Beyond that, their really isn't much else I can say. Everything works except for the horror aspect of the film.

                            "Woah, lookit down there! Alice Cooper just impaled a guy with a bicycle! Awesome!"



TL;DR: Prince of Darkness is a serviceable movie. It isn't terrible (it was certainly better than The Fog), but it isn't really that good either. It has an interesting premise, but nearly ruins it by concentrating on all the wrong things, in addition to the fact that it really just isn't all that frightening. If you are a horror fan, look to some of Carpenter's other films. This one really isn't all that good. Play me out Ozzy!